ReaderXAlejandro

Congratulations, ______! Alejandro Burromuerto has just asked you out on a date.

But...do you really want to go out on a date with the Latino womanizer? For those of you who are cringing or shuddering, this is your guide to a one-way ticket out of being the apple of his eye without outright rejecting him! (He's the type that might take rejection as 'playing hard to get.' He has it for you bad, so you'll have to try your damnedest to turn him off. Trust me, he's industrial brand chewing gum stuck to your sneaker: you'll need some pretty heavy duty pliers!)

The first thing you do, say 'yes' and try not to look too disgusted or horrified; he's so love blind he'll only take said reactions as being surprised or you having difficulty coming to terms with your own secret deep well of gushing emotion (He has a very strong connection with his feminine side).
He'll ask you where you want to go  and what time to pick you up. Quick! Think of the one restaurant in town with the most disgusting food you can think of. Ask him to take you there. Then ask him to pick you up tomorrow at around seven o' clock. Trust me on this. You want to get this over with as soon as possible, but you also want ample time to prepare.

Now smile and wave as he walks away. Try to keep your reactions to yourself until his back is turned. Okay, there's a trash can over there by that tree. It's all yours. He won't see you! (But hopefully the cutie you do like doesn't see you...he/she is here, too!)

You go home. For the next six hours, you ignore the narrator and watch TV, eating corn chips or whatever else your favorite snack food is. The narrator questions your coping mechanisms and just waits...(Eventually she pulls out Angry Birds and tries, futilely, to beat it on her iPhone. Those damn birds! Grr. This game is impossible...)
By the time you've gone to bed, the narrator is kind of irritated and has a bone to pick with you, you lazy ass, but the narrator will put that aside and help you get rid of Alejandro like she promised, because she's just that nice! She waits, very impatiently, while you get your precious 40 winks.

Okay, time to wake up. You get up and glare at the narrator. Hey, save that hostility for Alejandro...you have a date with him, remember?
The narrator smirks and taps her fingers sadistically as she watches you clench your teeth and almost rip your hair out. Yes, keep mussing up your hair. Make it look really, really uncouth and untidy.
Today, you're just going to skip taking a shower and putting on deodorant. As a tidy and usually well-kept individual, you look at the narrator like she's crazy. Just do it. The logic? Well, would you be very excited about going on a date with somebody who didn't bother to clean up or smell bad...?
Alright. In some cases, it depends on the person. Alejandro is pretty love sick for you and he's been burnt by lava as well as driven a boat through a sewer, so he'll probably have a pretty high tolerance-
You glare at the narrator, tapping your foot.
Don't worry-poor hygiene is barely the beginning of this masterful plan!

Now, throw on some clothes, you walking pig sty, and go out to your car. You're going to the closest Mexican restaurant in town for breakfast this morning....No puppy eyes. You can have pancakes or whatev tomorrow morning!
At the Mexican restaurant, order a big burrito. Make sure it's filled with nothing but beans and bean paste. It should be so full that by the time you get it, it's dribbling and spitting beans. You'll find out why such a heavy, unusual breakfast is necessary later on.
When you get home, ignore the sting of the gas. Yes, it's tempting to get an antacid and stop the pain, but you need to pull through. Before you try to beat up the narrator for her brash insensitivity, go upstairs, go into the bathroom and find some kind of scrunchie or hair tie. Try to arrange your hair in a ponytail; it doesn't have to be perfect. And the shorter it is, the better.
All right, now go find a pair of short shorts, a midriff shirt, and a pair of wedges. If you can't find any in your room, check your sister's room, your mother's room, even your aunt-thrice-removed's guest room if that measure is absolutely necessary. Perfect. Instead of making a sarcastic quip, go in the bathroom and put that outfit on.
When you come out, you look at the narrator, absolutely confused. "Why am I dressed like Heather...?"
Put the pieces together. You're smart; you can figure it out. Do you really think that Alejandro is too thrilled about his kiwi-smashing "kind of" ex-girlfriend?
There goes the light bulb! Now do your very best impression of Heather. Great. Whether you're Heather's twin or feel like a wannabe, it's good enough to pull off what the ultimate goal is. But that impression might not complete sell your goal. It'd be a good idea to find a pen and a scrap piece of notebook paper: write down everything you can think of that annoyed Alejandro over the course of Total Drama World Tour. Now you have a cheat sheet; stick it in your pocket. No, you don't have to be subtle about hiding it. As a matter of fact, it might do you some good to keep this piece of paper as conspicuous as possible. It won't hurt your cause if Alejandro finds it!
Thinking about it, make a big show out of Alejandro finding it. Put a bold, all caps title that says something very obscene or offensive. You show the narrator and she actually turns a little pink; that's pretty bold! You must really hate Alejandro...You'd totally be Heather's BFF if she knew you.

Oh no, the narrator just now realizes that she's created a monster. One Heather is too many Heathers....THE CAKE IS A LIE! Does not compute...
You stop the narrator from freaking out by giving her a lollipop and patting her on the head. It's somewhat difficult, considering she's an unknown, third person omniscient entity that you can't see, but you still manage to somehow anyway.
It took you a long time to calm down the somewhat neurotic narrator; the door bell rings! Alejandro's here. You look at the narrator, sitting happily as she contentedly slurps away at her lollipop...
"He's here!" you cry out, exasperated.
The narrator groans and throws her lollipop aside. She plans on making you take her to Disney World as soon as you get rid of Alejandro...
You just roll your eyes and open the door. There's Alejandro, wearing an expensive suit and holding out a large bouquet of roses. You take the roses and look at them, and then put them on a coffee table near the door, all the while  wondering if they'll fit in the garbage disposal later on...He extends his arm to you. Okay, this is a tough one: If you take his arm, you're alluding to liking him; if you harrumph and just walk to his car, you're playing "hard to get."
Before you can even decide what to do next, he's taking a look at your outfit. Here's where the fun starts. Alejandro pays very close attention to detail, so he'll pick up pretty quickly on what you're trying to do. Please excuse the narrator snorting milk out of her nose...
"Is this a joke?" Alejandro demands, somewhat angrily.
"What do you mean?" you reply, all innocent and glib. Good, playing dumb is the perfect way to go here!
"Why are you dressed like Heather,______?" Alejandro presses.
Don't reveal your hidden intentions or evil plans quite yet. Do something Heather would do if she were in this situation...if that makes any sense.  
"This is my new look!" you insist, posing.
"Oh...you have quite a sense of humor!" Alejandro laughs. "As much as that outfit flatters your figure, would you mind changing?"
Shit. He's fairly resilient, isn't he? You might need to take a different approach other than a Heather impression, but do not ditch that outfit. It seems to be fazing him quite a bit. Yes, it might be fairly embarrassing and uncomfortable for you to wear it, but the end result will be worth it!
"No, I'm really trying out a new look..." you insist. "I really wanted to wear this outfit on our first date...Don't you like it?"
Playing the sympathy card? Good work, demented pupil. You're learning.
"I...I like it," Alejandro says, at a loss of what to do with you. "Alright. I'm sorry for being offensive. I love your new outfit, _____. I really do. Ready to go?"
"Yes, Al," you reply, walking over to his car parked out front.
Excellent! The narrator loves that you called him "Al" as soon as you could. Watch that eye twitch!
You really did a number on him already. If you look out of your window, Alejandro's really having difficulty composing himself.
When he finally gets in the car, he's back to his smooth, Casanova glamour. Don't worry; it'll crack under just enough pressure.
"Um, ______, please don't call me "Al". I prefer to be called Alejandro," he says.
Suddenly, you realize that the burrito is starting to kick in. Perfect timing. There's a reason why the narrator told you to eat that burrito other than just for her own personal amusement. Does this give you inspiration? Remind you of a certain fellow cast member of Alejandro's, perhaps?
"Why can't I call you 'Al'?" you ask, really cracking down on the innocent and glib act that you're going for now.
"Well..." he sighs. Looks like he's about to spill some beans. Get it? Huh? The narrator backs down on her poor joke when you start glaring daggers at her.
"I already admitted this on reality TV, so I guess it wouldn't hurt to confide this in you so early in our relationship," he starts, looking kind of glum. "I just hate the nick name 'Al'. The first person to call me that was my older brother Jose. He called me that all the time, just because it annoyed me to no end. Now, that's one of my biggest pet peeves because of a very bad childhood memory I have associated with it. Please don't think any less of me for it; I'd just prefer to be called by my full name."
That means: Keep calling him Al. Yes, it looks like he has some pretty bad history with Jose and as tempted as you might be to play psychologist because of some kindly, innate or motherly urge, resist it because that would only lead you to getting closer to him. You don't want that.
Both you and Alejandro are silent during the drive to the restaurant you asked him to take you to. When you get there, he parks, then turns and looks at you with furrowed brows.
"Are you okay, _____?" he asks, concerned. "I'm not offended or anything if that's what you're worried about. Let's just move on and have a nice time."
The narrator is worried that you're not going to follow her advice anymore...because it's backfiring. Horribly. Bear with her a little bit longer, por favor, things will turn out more kosher than a kosher pickle. Besides, didn't she warn you that Alejandro was like an industrial brand of gum?!
"Okay," you agree, tentatively.
You and Alejandro enter the restaurant; there's a buffet table. From a cursory glance, you see some pretty globby, nasty looking food. Keep those in mind.
Alejandro picks a secluded booth back in the corner of the restaurant. It's a very cheesy-looking set-up: there's candles, subdued lighting, even a bored looking dude wearing a plastic name tag carrying a violin. The bored dude gets a cue from Alejandro and starts playing a soft, very romantic song; this guy's more adroit at playing the violin than you originally thought he'd be.
Alejandro's about to try and make a move on you; you get up and bolt straight for buffet table. Pick out that gooey green crap right there, now some of that brown glop, grab some of the oatmeal and corn, pick up a spoon and mix them together into an incomprehensible glob; you're starting to question why the narrator wants to make you sick. Well...you're not paying for the food and it isn't really for you either. Alright, you have more than enough. Now, carry it back to the table.
"You've been working up an appetite, haven't you?" Alejandro asks coyly, wiggling an eyebrow.
You make a big show out of putting your plate down and plunging the fork prongs into it. Then you shovel out a huge glob and look at Alejandro coyly. "Try it," you suggest.
"Ummm..." He looks down at the table top, unnerved. "Ah, no thank you."
"You'll like it," you insist, waving the fork around. "This is my favorite! It's really, really good."
"I...I have a really weak stomach," Alejandro persists.
"Please," you beg, giving him big, round puppy eyes.
Looking very unhappy and unnerved, he leans in and lets you put the forkful of food in his mouth. You watch as he chews and swallows; his facial expressions make him look like you asked him to carry a really heavy piano and he's having immense difficulty with that task. His face turns green, he gets up, and then he runs towards the nearest bathroom.
You look at the narrator, bewildered and worried. You don't like Alejandro very much, but you're still kind of worried. The narrator reassures you that this really isn't the worst thing you could do. As a matter of fact, it's in character for the role you're trying to portray. Alejandro will forgive you pretty easily; you'll have to try harder.
In the mean time, you ask the violin player to get rid of your plate. The narrator now owes you $100 for the bribe you had to pay the violin player to do it. He exits the room and you sit back down, twiddling your thumbs and trying to devise a way to steal the narrator's iPhone as you wait for Alejandro to return.
Here he is, back again and still looking kind of green in the face.
"I'm sorry. I just needed to excuse myself for a moment," he says, downplaying how sick he probably feels. "Now, where were we...?"
The narrator knows she said not to ask him personal questions, but launch into a conversation about Heather. See how he reacts.
"Let's get to know each other," you say, wanting to rip out your tongue. "So...what was Heather like?"
"You're not a jealous type, are you?" he replies, raising an eyebrow. "Let's not talk about my ex."
"So...she's your ex?" you probe. Yes, yes. Good. Find out more about Heather!
"Not exactly..." he admits as his eye unconsciously twitches again.
Ask him if he's still in love with her!
"Are you still in love with Heather...?" you ask, hands folded and a faux curious expression on your face despite the fact that you could really care less.
"_____, I'm sorry, but I really don't feel very good right now," Alejandro says, raising a finger. "Could...we reschedule our date for another time?"
He's just trying to cover it up! Ask him about Heather again; that's obviously a hot button.
You don't do anything; you just fold your arms and look indignant. The narrator almost made you schedule a second date with Alejandro when you didn't even want to go on one single date with him in the first place! Angry, you reach through the computer screen, grab the narrator and drag her into this horrible piece of literature that she's spewing out. You slap her across the face, twice, leaving two red hand marks.
Then, holding the narrator by the back of her bright orange T-shirt, you turn towards Alejandro and do what you know you should have done in the first place: "I'm not interested in you," you tell him. "So, no, I won't reschedule our date."
"Then, why did you go on a date with me in the first place...?" he asks, looking absolutely confused. "I would have taken 'no' for an answer. I know when someone isn't interested in me....You didn't have to go to such extreme extents!"
"I did all of that crap because this idiot told me to!" you cry, holding the narrator out at arm's length.
The narrator looks back at you, then at an absolutely bewildered, but quickly growing angry Alejandro.
"I'm sorry...?" she squeaks, eyes shrinking.
"This is getting ridiculous, Aeon," he cries. "I've told you a million times: Heather and I are going to get together canonically in season 5! Quit interfering with my non-canonical life! That ridiculous fan comic and "The Word Revenge" are bad enough...but now this?!"
Alejandro grabs Aeon by the arm and drags her away, chastising her. You just stand there, watching. Then you realize that you've been staring at your computer screen, reading this. Now you're going to go get a bag of Fritos and re-watch a bunch of Total Drama episodes via YouTube, or go read another, possibly much more entertaining, piece of literature on deviantART or fanfiction.net.